


Worth It

by artikgato



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Depression, Established Relationship, It has a Happy Ending Though, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, This One Is Dark, retail hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-08 19:01:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5509472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artikgato/pseuds/artikgato
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Don't think about it, Yosuke told himself. Don't think about that lady and her genius son. Don't think about how you didn't try hard enough in college and now you're stuck working at the only job you've ever been able to keep. Don't think about the fact that you've been working for Junes for over a decade and they haven't given you a raise. Don't think about the fact that you still struggle to pay the bills on time. Don't think about the fact that it's December 23rd and you have to go home to an empty apartment tonight and then come right back here to work the next morning. Don't think about the fact that you'll have to go straight from a twelve hour workday to the train station to take a six hour train ride to Inaba, and then you'll only have a day to spend with your family and your friends, and then you have to get right back on the train so that you can come straight back to work.  Don't think about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Worth It

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not kidding with those tags - there are mentions of self harm (specifically: cutting and intentional starvation) and suicidal thoughts in here. I know that Yosuke doesn't exhibit a lot of symptoms of depression in canon (there are some, though) but this is written from the perspective of a depressed person. If financial troubles, woes about the future, or the nonstop existential dread that is having to work retail during the holiday season are possible triggers for you, stay away from this fic (I'm being serious here). 
> 
> I almost didn't want to post this one because it's very personal. Some of the details are different, but this is almost just me writing about my own real life problems and trying to work them out via fanfiction therapy, so forgive me if this one is kind of a downer. Read to the end though, it actually has a happy ending! Unfortunately I don't have a Yu of my own, but writing Yosuke going through all of this bullshit and then getting a happy ending was quite therapeutic for me.

Yosuke smiled - and it was a tired, faked smile, but it was still a smile - as the next customer in line approached him. She was an elderly woman, definitely someone's grandmother, and she was dressed far too nicely to be shopping at Junes, Yosuke thought. She was all smiles, though, as she approached the pay station.

"And how are you doing tonight, young man? Enjoying the holiday season?" she asked. Yosuke had an answer, a rehearsed stock answer that he was getting tired of saying, because it wasn't true, of course, but he still managed to say it.

"Doing great. How will you be paying tonight?" he asked, as he reached over to actually start scanning her purchase.

"Credit card, dearie," she replied, and Yosuke froze when he saw just what she was buying. It was an electric guitar - bright red, with black detailing, and a shiny finish. It was the most expensive electric guitar they sold. Glancing further down the conveyor belt, he saw an amp, a set of picks, and a pair of very expensive headphones.

"My grandson is going to music school next year. He's a prodigy! A music genius! He and his friends have already started a band. I just know he's going to end up a star one day, and he's been using this shabby old second-hand guitar this whole time. Nonsense!" the old lady prattled on, pride and love in her voice, oblivious to the way Yosuke had felt all of the blood drain out of his face, the bottom of his stomach drop out.

The picks were all wrong, not the kind you would use with an electric guitar at all. There were better headphones for listening back to the kind of music that a lead guitarist would be playing, and despite being the most expensive, it wasn't the _best_ guitar that they sold, but-

Yosuke didn't say any of that. He couldn't get any words past the sudden lump in his throat. He had to grit his teeth and will his hands to stop shaking long enough to scan the items, bag the smaller ones, and queue up her total. He couldn't even get himself to tell her the total, not that she noticed, because she had just swiped her card, heedless of the frankly ridiculous sum displayed on the screen, and continued babbing about how much of a genius her grandson was, how proud she was that he was going to school to study music, how she was paying for all of it, because he deserved only the best...

"D...do you need someone to carry that out to your car for you, m'aam?" Yosuke finally managed to ask, as he handed her the receipt. She grinned.

"I'm stronger than I look, dearie. Have a Merry Christmas!"

Yosuke stared blankly after her as she wheeled her cart away, feeling sick to his stomach. He couldn't do this any more, he just...he just couldn't. He turned back to face the long line of customers and smiled apologetically.

"Ah, sorry, it's just about time for my break. Someone will be with you in just a second," he lied, turning to hit the intercom button and summon a replacement. One of the only perks of being a manager, he supposed, when not even a minute later a bright eyed, innocent, enthusiastic high schooler jogged into view and hastily lept into cashiering as he staggered away. He had to clench his hands around the sides of his apron and _breathe_ as he walked, barely able to stop himself from shaking as he moved on autopilot through the fastest route to the employees-only section of the store. He bypassed the break room entirely, all but throwing himself through two sets of doors into the too-brightly lit stock room. With practiced ease he slid between two towering stacks of crates and into the much more dimly lit back corner of the room, sitting down heavily on a stack of wooden pallets and letting his head drop into his hands.

_Now_ he was shaking.

This was all too much. He didn't know how long he would be able to deal with it before he did something he would regret...something _else_ he would regret, he thought, with an uncharacteristically bitter laugh. The scar on his arm burned and itched, a cut he had reassured everyone had been an accident he'd gotten thanks to being careless one day with a box cutter. It was the busy season, right? Only Yosuke knew the truth of the matter - that hadn't been an accident.

It was also no accident that he hadn't been eating lately, either. The only person that really even noticed was Yu, and he was pretty sure that Yu believed him when he insisted that he just kept forgetting to eat, he was too busy at work, he was too tired, he wasn't really hungry half of the time anyway...

Yosuke sighed, the sound muffled by his hands. He wasn't going to cry. He was going to get himself together, he had way too many things to do, the store was _way_ too busy for him to have a meltdown in the back of the stock room. He wouldn't be missed for another few minutes, but that wasn't enough time at all to be properly upset. He just had to get himself together. Deep breath in, hold it, exhale. Don't think about it, he told himself. Don't think about that lady and her genius son. Don't think about how you didn't try hard enough in college and now you're stuck working at the only job you've ever been able to keep. Don't think about the fact that you've been working for Junes for over a decade and they haven't given you a raise. Don't think about the fact that you still struggle to pay the bills on time. Don't think about how worthless and hopeless you feel.

Don't think about the fact that it's December 23rd and you have to go home to an empty apartment tonight and then come right back here to work the next morning. Don't think about the fact that you'll have to go straight from a twelve hour workday to the train station to take a six hour train ride to Inaba, and then you'll only have a day to spend with your family and your friends, and then you have to get right back on the train so that you can come straight back to work.

Yosuke sighed again and tried to pretend that he wasn't crying. His phone buzzed, and he didn't even need to look at it to know that it was one of the other managers, asking where the hell he was. He sent back a text saying he was in the bathroom, sorry, it might be food poisoning, he probably didn't cook his eggs long enough this morning for breakfast, he'd be right out as soon as he was sure he wasn't going to throw up again. It was a complete lie, of course - Yosuke hadn't eaten anything today, let alone this morning. Just coffee, which he was becoming more and more dependent on as the years went by - and water, because he wasn't stupid enough to not drink water, at least.

Once upon a time, Yosuke had been happy, and hopeful, and optimistic. He'd managed to score well enough on exams to get land himself in the same college as Yu, which had been all but a miracle. They'd moved in to the same dorm together, Yu majoring in child psychology, of all things, and Yosuke...

Yosuke hadn't really known what he wanted to do with his life. He knew he hadn't wanted to stay in Inaba, though, and he'd always been told that the way to succeed, the way to be able to be more than just a cashier for the rest of his life, was to go to college, so he did it. He was interested in music, had a real passion for it, so it had been an easy decision to make to major in it. He'd entered college with unbridled optimism, ready to learn everything he could. He even tried his best in the classes that had nothing at all to do with music, but that he needed to take for some reason. It had been hard - really hard - but Yu had helped him, and his friends and family believed in him, so he'd stuck it out and made it through, and actually managed to graduate.

One late night in their final year when the two of them had both been awake for far too long and were stressed out from term papers and exams and everything else, Yosuke and Yu had kissed. Neither of them was sure who had started it, even now, but it had ended with the realization on Yosuke's part that he was definitely not straight. So, after graduation, the decision to move in together was practically a given. They had been living together ever since, boldly proclaiming 'boyfriend' to some and guiltily explaining 'roommate' to others.

At first, Yosuke had been more than happy to work at the nearby Junes. He'd been working there part time during college, so it seemed logical to let himself be promoted to assistant manager after he graduated, working there full time until he could find something else more in line with his music degree. And he did, eventually, find something. He found job after job that, in hindsight, had been more than willing to hire an overly eager, optimistic recent college graduate, exploit his good-natured willingness to work hard, and then discard him as soon as someone fresher and more talented came along. The first time he was laid off had been a crushing disappointment, but he'd gotten right back on his feet and applied, and applied, and applied for more jobs, begrudgingly going back to work for Junes as a stopgap measure. It had been tough, and seemed impossible, but he'd always managed to pay the bills on time back then. Looking back on it now, Yosuke wasn't even sure _how_ he'd managed it - he was making more money now than ever, but he seemed to be struggling more than ever now, and he just didn't get it.

Heck, he'd even started to put money away into a savings account, a little bit at a time, whenever he could. 'Ring fund', he'd dubbed it - he'd been planning to use the money to buy an engagement ring, one day. Of course, those plans had fallen through, because why wouldn't then have? Yosuke had gotten sick and been out of work for almost a month. It could have been much worse, Yu had told him. He'd been reading about how the healthcare system in America was much worse than it was in Japan, Yosuke could have lost _everything_ , but instead he'd just had to empty out his savings, because rent and bills didn't pause just because he got sick.

Even after that, Yosuke had held onto his optimism for so long, but it had been over a year since he'd had an interview for a job that had actually panned out. Naturally, it had been temporary, sound mixing for a radio station for the summer, while their much more talented sound mixer went on vacation for three months. He hadn't even focused on sound mixing in college, but here he was, and it was at least music related, right? Better than Junes. The pay was good, too, so he'd been more than happy to take it. His coworkers were great, the work was actually _fun_ , and he had thrown himself into it, daring to hope that maybe, if he exceeded their expectations, they might hire him permanently, or recommend him to another job, or something, _anything_ , but...

Looking back on it now, it had been a stupid decision. He'd had to miss summer break with his friends and family, back in Inaba. He'd worked such long hours, too, that he barely got to see Yu at all for those three months, and in the end they had tossed him away without a word, and he'd had to go back to Junes and practically grovel at their feet for his old job back. Nothing was better - and because he'd been gone for more than a month, he was no longer eligible the raise he _could_ have gotten, the district manager had insisted. Yosuke knew it was bullshit - they never gave raises. He'd been working for them off and on for ten years, and the only increase in pay that he had ever gotten was from being promoted from cashier to assistant manager to manager. He wasn't even the _only_ manager, because this was a big store, so he didn't even get the bonus salary his father had at the Inaba branch.

He and Yu lived in a small but well-furnished apartment - the furnishings were mostly Yu's doing. It wasn't in the best of neighborhoods, but it wasn't in the worst either. Rent was - rent was a sum that was perfectly reasonable when Yosuke thought about it, but when he thought about how many hours he had to put in at Junes just to afford it, it suddenly was extremely unreasonable, but he never complained. He never let on that he was struggling, because he didn't want Yu to worry or, even worse, offer to help him pay it. Yu already did more than enough, buying most of the groceries, cooking most of the meals, doing most of the cleaning...and despite having bought almost all of the furniture, most of the _things_ in the apartment belonged to Yosuke, a fact that Yosuke was always secretly guilty about. He hated that he seemed to just...take up more space than Yu did, but Yu never complained, of course. He felt like he should be paying more than just half of the rent, but he _knew_ that he couldn't. They only ran the heater or air conditioner when it was completely necessary, so their bills weren't all that high either - a fact that was more than a little frustrating for Yosuke. The rent was reasonable, the bills were cheap, he barely bought any food at all... he hadn't even given a second thought to the balance on his student loans in almost half a year, too afraid to check on their status, too petrified that his credit had gone to shit when he had just...stopped paying them. He walked to work, so it wasn't like he had to pay train fare or needed to own a car. Lately he hadn't been able to, let alone _wanted_ to buy anything for himself - a new video game, a movie, _anything_ other than the basic essentials. He bought the cheapest possible shampoo, even though he hated how it smelled. He hadn't bought any new clothes in the better part of six months, because it didn't matter, all he did anymore was go to work anyway.

He also couldn't afford Christmas presents. Like, at all. Sure, he could buy some stupid cheap knickknacks from Junes or whatever, but if he couldn't afford anything nice or actually _meaningful_ , what was even the point of buying anything for anyone at all? He'd already told his family and Teddie not-so-subtly not to buy anything for him this year, to hopefully save himself from the guilt he would feel when he couldn't give them anything in return. He had just enough in his bank account to afford the train tickets to and from Inaba. Naturally, being so close to Christmas, they were even more expensive than normal. Yosuke just had to hope that nothing unexpected happened in the next two days.

Like him collapsing, or getting sick, because he wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping well, and wasn't handling this stress well at _all_. He was going to have to put on one of the spare aprons, because the one he was wearing was just absolutely getting soaked with tears, and Yosuke didn't care.

He thought about getting his phone back out and texting Yu - just a quick 'how are you, partner?' and hoping for quick response, but he didn't want to bother him. He was with Dojima and Nanako right now, probably. He'd been with his parents for most of the week, spending Christmas early with them so that he could be in Inaba on actual Christmas day, to spend it with everyone there...and Yosuke, too, of course. That meant Yosuke had been coming home to a dark, empty apartment all week. It had been hard, but he was almost proud of how well he'd hidden it when Yu called him.

It wouldn't do anyone any good to tell them about his problems. Nobody could do anything but offer condolences anyway, so what was the point? He was going to have a hard enough time trying to fake his way through Christmas without dragging down the good mood. Chie or Kanji wouldn't know what to say to him, Yukiko almost never responded to texts, Rise and Naoto were busier than he was, and Teddie didn't understand anything. His parents didn't get it either, and his friends from college didn't really keep in touch with him anymore, especially not this time of the year.

Yosuke was alone.

The thought made the scar on his arm itch, made the weight of the box cutter in his apron pocket suddenly that much more noticeable. Maybe if he was careful he could just re open the old cut and explain it away as clumsiness again. Maybe. Heck, it was possible that nobody would even notice - he always wore long sleeves this time of the year, and the cut was on the inside of his arm, right up by the inside of his elbow. It might even be mostly healed by the time he was in Inaba in two days...

Yosuke knew that hurting himself was wrong. Starving himself was not okay, even if he could justify it as wanting to save money by not eating. Even though the pain felt solid and real and gave him something to focus on that wasn't how shitty his life was becoming, it wasn't good to be cutting himself like this. There was this bridge that Yosuke walked across every day on the way to and from work. It overlooked a river, usually a very pretty sight. Right now the sky was cloudy and recent rains had made the river swell up and turned it an ugly brown, and all of the trees and grass were the same brown, and there wasn't even a coating of snow to make everything pretty, so when he stopped to look out over the river, he wasn't admiring the scenery any more. He was thinking that the current was so swift, the drop so far, that he would probably barely feel a thing if he just climbed over the railing and-

And he had to stop thinking like this.

Starving himself wasn't going to benefit anybody. Cutting himself wasn't going to help. Killing himself wasn't going to solve anything - it would just create more problems. Too many people would be sad. His family, and Yu, would have to clean up the mess he left behind. It was tempting to think about, but Yosuke didn't want to be a burden to anybody, least of all them. It was also tempting to think about just giving up and going home. He'd thought about it a million times by now - usually whenever he was late paying rent, and guiltily lying to Yu that he'd just forgotten, not letting him know that he had been forced to wait for his next paycheck first, to avoid overdrafts. Just get a new roommate, he'd thought. Replace me with someone that can pay the bills on time. You could do it. This is a good neighborhood. Someone more talented, more successful, more...deserving than me could easily live here with you.

He'd thought about breaking up with Yu a lot, too. Not because he was unhappy - god, no, Yu was the only good thing in his life right now - but because Yu deserved better. Yosuke still wasn't entirely sure why Yu had fallen in love with _him_. It was easy enough to understand why he'd turned down Rise, even though she was an amazing, gorgeous, successful idol, because Yu wasn't intersted in women, but...but come on. There were better men out there than Yosuke. More talented, more successful, better looking, better _people_ in general than him. People that weren't awful fuck-ups working at fucking _Junes_. People that didn't have something wrong in their head. People that didn't starve themselves, didn't cut themselves, didn't think about throwing themselves off of bridges. Yosuke could just move back to Inaba, work at the Junes there, pay off his student loans, not worry about being a burden to anyone. Yu could find someone else. Easily. Yosuke would miss him, of course, _desperately_ , but this wasn't about him anymore. It was about what was the best for both of them, and it was starting to look more and more like it wasn't worth it - to either of them - for Yosuke to keep going like this.

His phone buzzed again. Another text from the other manager - there was a spill on one of the aisles, every cashier had a line at least eight people long, he needed to get the hell out of the bathroom and get back to work. With shaking fingers, he started to reply to the text, but another came in before he could. It was from Yu.

"Hang in there, Partner. Love you. See you soon."

He couldn't do this. Before he even had much time to think about what he was doing, he was hitting the 'call' button and pressing the phone to his ear as it rang. He folded his legs up, hugging his knees to his chest and burying his face in them, the apron covering them scratching his face. Yu picked up after two rings.

"Yosuke! Are you on break?" he asked, and Yosuke could hear the smile on his face. There was noise in the background - Yosuke could hear the sounds of Teddie and Nanako having a cheerful debate about something, the TV on in the background behind that, the hustle and bustle of movement. They were probably in the living room of the Dojima household. He wondered if all of their friends were there. He almost dropped the phone, almost hit the 'end call' button right away, because he didn't want to do this, he didn't want to shatter the good mood they were having, but...but he needed...

"Partner," he croaked, hating the way his voice was cracking. "Help me."

There was a long, long pause. Teddie stopped talking to Nanako and evidently realized that Yu was on the phone.

"Is that Yosuke? Can I talk to him when you're done, sensei?" Teddie asked.

"Uh...yeah, sure Teddie, just...give me a second, okay?" Yu responded, and he sounded dazed, panicked even. Yosuke squeezed his eyes shut and tried to remember to breathe. The sounds started to fade, and he heard a door open and close, heard the distinctive crunching noise that was someone walking through snow. Breathe in, breathe out. Try to order the jumble of thoughts in your head, so you don't just start babbling. Tell him, Yosuke.

"Are you okay?" Yu asked after a bit.

"No," Yosuke sighed, in response. "I can't do this anymore, partner."

"I know it's hard, Yosuke, but you just have to make it through today and tomorrow, and then you'll be here with me, all right?" Yu replied.

"I can't," Yosuke replied. "I can't...I'm just...I...I'm such a miserable fucking failure, and you deserve so much better than me... I'm the worst."

"That's not true," Yu started, but Yosuke just kept going, cutting him off, afraid that if he stopped he'd never be able to say this again.

"Yes it is! I don't understand why you're still with me. You should just break up with me and find someone better, someone that can actually pay rent on time, someone that has their shit together. Fuck, partner, we both know I'm just an idiot, a big fucking disappointment-"

"Yosuke!" Yu finally snapped, voice cutting through Yosuke's ramble and all but forcing him to stop talking. Great, now he'd gone and made him mad, he was going to break up with him for sure, now...

"Yosuke," Yu repeated, his voice more gentle. "I don't know what brought this on, but I'm not going to find someone better. There's nobody out there better for me than you, okay? I don't care that you're late on rent sometimes. I know things are tough, and Junes isn't being fair to you."

Yosuke sighed. Of course Yu had known about the rent thing. He wasn't dumb or blind, after all. He probably hadn't said anything because he didn't want to upset Yosuke. Stupid, fragile, emotionally unstable Yosuke. Great.

"You should find somebody that actually has a chance at being successful," Yosuke insisted. "Someone that wasn't an idiot, and didn't major in music, like that was going to do them any good."

"Partner," Yu sighed.

"Someone that isn't going to be stuck working at Junes for the rest of their life," Yosuke continued.

"You'll find something else. I know you will, Yosuke. You just have to keep trying."

"I've _been_ trying!" Yosuke snapped. "I'm twenty-eight, Yu. If I haven't broken into the music business by now, I never will."

"That's not true," Yu repeated, sounding placating, like Yosuke was a scared cat he was trying to coax out of hiding. The image almost made him laugh.

"I'm never going to make it out of here. This is...this is all I'm really good for, you know? Just someone for people to yell at when things don't go their way, someone who knows where everything goes and how to operate everything. I'm just a resource for them to use however they can. How could you be happy with someone like me?" Yosuke asked.

"Because I love you, idiot," Yu replied, firmly. "Your job doesn't matter. It wouldn't matter to me if you couldn't work at all, Yosuke. _You_ matter to me, okay?"

"You're just saying that to make me feel better," Yosuke accused, but there was no fire behind it. Yosuke himself didn't believe it. He knew Yu loved him - he _knew_ it, but at the same time, he couldn't understand why, couldn't help but thinking that Yu would be better off loving someone _else_.

"I'm not," Yu refused.

"Even if my job doesn't matter, Yu...you should be with someone that isn't...that doesn't..." Yosuke started, not really sure how to phrase what he was trying to say. "There's something seriously wrong with my head, Partner. You should be with someone that...that isn't _broken_ ," he finally said. He heard Yu suck in a breath in alarm.

"What do you mean?" he asked. Yosuke laughed, wincing at how tired and bitter it sounded.

"I haven't been forgetting to eat," he admitted. Yu made a noise, but he hadn't ever heard it from him before, so he wasn't sure what it meant. He pressed on. "Last week, with the box cutter knife, Yu...that wasn't an accident."

The other line went completely silent. _Completely_. Yosuke almost wondered if Yu had hung up, or if the call was dropped, but just as he was about to lift his head to check, he heard a sob, a heart-wrenching, awful sound, and realized that Yu was probably crying. Great. Good job, Yosuke, now you made your boyfriend _cry_ because of how fucking messed up you are.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Yu finally asked.

"I didn't want you to worry," Yosuke replied, with a sigh. Now he was crying too. He really _would_ have to change aprons.

"That's...I...damn it, Yosuke," Yu responded, another sob making interrupting him before he could finish his thought.

"I'm sorry," Yosuke apologized, and really meant it. "I...I just-"

"I'm coming to get you," Yu suddenly said. Yosuke lifted his head away from his knees in surprise.

"Wh-what?" he sputtered. He could hear the crunching footsteps again, realized that Yu was on the move.

"I'm getting on the next train out of Inaba and I'm coming to get you," he continued.

"But you...but Nanako and Dojima!" Yosuke protested.

"They'll understand. Yosuke, this is serious. I'm not taking no for an answer," he chided.

"I'm working for the rest of the day! I have a twelve hour workday tomorrow!" Yosuke sputtered, panicked.

"I don't care. I'm coming to get you and you're coming back with me to Inaba. I'll tell your boss to go eat a dick if I have to," Yu replied, and Yosuke choked on his reply. Yu almost never swore - only when he was very, very serious.

"But I-"

"Just please, Yosuke, _please_ don't hurt yourself anymore," Yu interrupted. "Just...just wait for me. Eat something. Take care of yourself."

"Partner," Yosuke whimpered.

"I love you," he repeated. "I would do _anything_ for you, so just wait for me. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"...okay," Yosuke finally relented, letting his head rest back against his legs. "Yeah, okay. I...I love you too."

"Call me if anything comes up," he replied, and then the call ended, and Yosuke was just there in the dimly lit stockroom, sitting on an uncomfortable wooden pallet with his head in his knees.

His phone buzzed.

'You aren't in any of the bathrooms, Hanamura. Where are you? Are you okay?'

He was a little surprised that the text didn't sound angry, but _worried_. He scoffed. Probably worried that he'd fallen down some stairs and broken a leg, and they'd have to try to find a replacement for him on the busiest shopping day of the year. He almost wished that he _had_ , because that would have been easier to explain than trying to tell them that something was wrong with his head, something just as debilitating, but not visible, or _provable_. He checked his phone. It felt like it had been forever, but he had really only been gone for about twenty minutes now, not too terribly long. If he apologized and went right back to work now, maybe nobody would say anything. With a sigh he heaved himself up into a standing position. He slipped back into the main stock area and the lights there seemed all the brighter now - he was going to have a bad headache now, _fuck_ \- and made his way back toward the break room. Fortunately nobody was there when he got there, probably because they were scrambling to fill all the gaps that he would have been, so nobody saw when he pulled off his damp apron and shoved into his locker, pulling a crisp, fresh one out of one of the cabinets and donning it. He washed down a couple of headache pills with a glass of water and, after debating it for a second, he picked up a couple of cookies and an apple out of the 'employee appreciation' basket on the table. The cookies were bland, and eating the apple was a chore, but he had promised Yu, after all. On the way out he stopped by the employee bathroom and checked to make sure he didn't look like a complete trainwreck. His eyes looked a little red around the edges, but if he didn't make eye contact he was sure nobody would notice.

He spent the next four grueling hours avoiding the concerned looks of his coworkers, dodging their questions, and very carefully thinking about absolutely nothing. As soon as his thoughts started to stray he would just calmly picture the number zero and tell himself that he was feeling _nothing_ , thinking about _nothing_. And it worked. More than one customer told him to smile when he bade them a very carefully monotone 'happy holidays' and avoided their eyes with a completely blank face, but Yosuke didn't care. He _couldn't_ care. Before he knew it, it was almost time to close, and one of his coworkers was handing him a cordless phone.

"It's the District Manager," she said, voice a little shaky. He nodded and pressed the phone to his ear, making a beeline for the back room. He had a pretty good idea what this was about.

"Sir?" he asked.

"Hanamura," the man started, and wow, he sounded mad. "I just got off the phone with someone claiming to be your _boyfriend_." Yosuke didn't miss the emphasis placed on the word 'boyfriend'. As far as anyone at Junes had known, he and Yu were just roommates. Yu knew that, so that meant he had known what might happen to Yosuke if that information was revealed, to the district manager nonetheless. A few hours ago, Yosuke might have cared. Now he was just tired.

"And?" he asked.

"And?!" the voice roared. He impassively just held the phone to his ear. "And he told me that you aren't coming in tomorrow! Is that true?"

"...I suppose it is," Yosuke replied, managing to keep his voice calm.

"You work a twelve. hour. shift tomorrow, Hanamura. Who is going to replace you?"

"You'll figure it out," Yosuke replied, surprising even himself with how hard he was able to make his voice. "I'm not coming in."

"Hanamura!" the voice protested. Yosuke felt himself start to get angry.

"I've worked for this company for ten years! Ten! I've been working for this store for four! I've worked hard. I've barely called in sick!" Yosuke started.

"And we appreciate your hard work-"

"You know my father manages the Inaba branch! You've _been_ there! You _know_ that it's six hours away by train. Why did you schedule me to work the day before and after Christmas? Don't you think I want to be with my family for more than _one damned day_?!" Yosuke continued, his voice starting to get both steadily louder and lower in pitch.

"Everyone has to work long hours this time of the year, son-"

" _Don't call me that_ ," Yosuke spat, and the phone went silent. "I'm not coming in tomorrow. I'm not coming in the day after Christmas either. I may never come back!"

"Are you telling me that you're quitting?" the manager asked.

"I'm telling you that I don't get paid enough for what I do around here," Yosuke replied, tone icy.

"You know we can't give you a raise. You have to work for us _continuously_ for at least-"

"Ten years!" Yosuke shouted, finally at the point of not giving a damn. "I've been working for Junes since _high school_!"

"I know that, but listen-"

"No, you listen! If you don't want me to walk out _right now_ you need to start reconsidering that policy of yours!" Yosuke spat.

"And you need to listen to me, Hanamura. Your father manages a regional branch. You should be lucky we even hired you in the first place."

And that was that.

"I quit," Yosuke growled into the phone. "I'm done."

He dropped the phone, right where he was standing, without bothering to hang it up. He untied the apron and pulled it off, dropping it on the ground next to the phone. He turned on his heel and marched right out of the store, not bothering to meet the confused glances of his former coworkers, walked out into the night, and never went back. When Yu walked through the door of their apartment he found Yosuke sitting far too calmly beside his already packed bag, nursing one of Yu's bottles of wine, freshly opened. He hadn't bothered to keep up with how much of it he was drinking, just drank enough to get himself good and tipsy.

"I quit Junes," he said, by way of greeting. The grin that formed on his face felt way too big, way too fake, but he did it anyway. Yu just crossed over to him and all but crushed him in a hug. Yosuke barely had time to put down the wine. All of a sudden Yu was kissing him, hard and desperate. He really must have scared him pretty badly.

"This counts as hurting yourself, Yosuke," Yu admonished, once they'd broken the kiss to gasp for air. Yosuke laughed.

"I dunno man, I'm feelin' pretty good actually," he replied. He smirked up at the other man, hands snaking around his torso and pulling him down flush against him. "Even better now that you're here. When's the train leaving?"

"I-in about an hour," Yu replied, cheeks dusted pink with a faint blush. It made Yosuke almost giddy to see.

"Plenty of time, then," he purred. He pulled Yu down and pushed himself up into a rough, demanding kiss, coaxing Yu's mouth open with his tongue. With how busy the both of them had been as of late, they had barely had any time for eachother. Yosuke hadn't realized how badly he needed this, needed _him_ , until just now with Yu pressing him into their couch, warm and solid and _there_. He rolled his hips up into Yu's weight, felt him gasp against his lips and return the motion, and - fuck, he was already hard. Wow. He broke the kiss and sat up, pushing Yu back as he went, and went right for the buttons his dress shirt with practiced ease. Being that he was tipsy it was a little more of a challenge than usual, but he got it done, pushing open the shirt and running his hands over Yu's marvelous, muscled chest with reverence. God, he was so beautiful, so perfect. It hurt to think about Yu leaving him, or him leaving Yu, even if earlier he'd been thinking it would be for the best. Yu's hands trailed down his back, over his sides, and curled around the bottom of his shirt, starting to pull it up but hesitating.

"Is this okay?" Yu asked, and Yosuke made a face at him, almost replied with 'duh', but then he realized why he was asking. Taking off his shirt would expose the scar on his arm.

"Yeah," he sighed. "It's fine." Yu gently pulled the shirt up, over his head and dropped it neatly beside the couch. Yosuke couldn't bear to look at Yu as his hands brushed carefully down his arm, thumb gently tracing over the little scar.

"Yosuke," Yu whispered, rubbing his thumb gently up and down the length of the cut, his touch and his voice both...careful, and tender. Tentative. Afraid. Yosuke swallowed.

"Do you remember a few years ago, when I was out sick for a whole month?" Yosuke asked. Yu looked up at him, puzzled, and Yosuke tried not to notice the pain in his eyes.

"I do," he replied. Yosuke looked away, already starting to blush at what he was about to admit.

"I had to use all of my savings to pay for rent and groceries and stuff," Yosuke continued.

"Yeah?" Yu asked. Without looking, Yosuke found one of Yu's hands, grabbing it and twining their fingers together.

"I was...saving up for an engagement ring, Partner," Yosuke concluded. Yosuke didn't know what to expect, with that admission. A part of him insisted, despite everything he'd said earlier and all of the evidence to the contrary, that it would be outright rejection, that he'd just ruined _everything_. Maybe it would be shock, or stunned silence, or, if he was lucky, happiness, acceptance...

He didn't expect Yu to laugh.

"It wasn't a joke!" Yosuke protested, voice a little shrill with the panic that he really _had_ messed everything up after all.

"I know, I know, I'm laughing at the irony," Yu explained. That just confused Yosuke even _more_.

"What do you mean by _that_?!" he demanded.

"It's just that...this whole time I've been so worried that you would say no, but as it turns out you would have beaten me to it by four years if you could have," Yu explained.

"B-beaten you to...what are you saying?" Yosuke asked, trying to stamp down the sudden _emotions_ because there was no way Yu was saying what he _thought_ Yu was saying.

"Yosuke, I've been planning for months now to ask you to marry me on Christmas day," Yu replied.

He _was_ saying what Yosuke thought he was saying.

"Are you _serious_?!" Yosuke breathed.

"The ring is in a box under the tree at Dojima-san's house. I'm totally serious," Yu affirmed. Yosuke all but surged forward, wrapping his arms around him and squeezing him so tight he was probably hurting him, but Yosuke couldn't believe, couldn't contain his happiness.

"Partner," he croaked, burying his face in Yu's shoulder and damn it, now he was crying again, albiet for entirely different reasons.

"You still have to act surprised when I ask you, okay?" Yu requested, and from the sound of it, he was crying too.

"I will," Yosuke insisted. They separated after a few more minutes of clinging together. There was something like resolve on Yu's face when they did, and he gently took Yosuke's arm in his hands, lifting it and behind down a little and pressing a soft, tender kiss to the spot where Yosuke had cut himself. Yosuke shivered.

"Promise me you'll never hurt yourself again, Yosuke," he pleaded. Yosuke nodded, slowly.

"I promise," he said. Yu didn't release his arm. Instead, he kissed the spot again.

"You are smart, and talented, and college was _not_ a mistake. You'll find something else. We'll figure this out together, okay?"

Yu really was perfect, and Yosuke really _didn't_ deserve him. But, he was going to make damn sure that he worked as hard as he could so that one day he _would_.

"Yeah," he answered, instead of saying any of that.

"Now then," Yu started, catching Yosuke's gaze and smirking at him. "It's a ten minute walk to the train station, so we only have about half an hour left."

"No time to waste, then," Yosuke replied, reaching up to grab Yu by the shoulders and pull them both down against the couch, kissing him fiercely.


End file.
